Finding Yourself After Divorce

Finding Yourself After Divorce

t’s hard going from being a part of a couple to being single. Even if you know it’s what’s best. Even if being uncoupled is what you want. When I got divorced, I found I’d lost myself in my marriage. This happens to many of us who were in a state of uncontrollable dysfunction. We lose ourselves for the sake of the union.

If you are in the process of getting divorced, or considering divorce, it is a very vulnerable time for you. I remember that time. I could hardly tell you what I liked and what I didn’t like. I had to find myself again.

Friends, I'm Writing a Book!

Friends, I'm Writing a Book!

I am writing a book, Divorcing Well. I've gotten a good ways in, but would like your feedback and input before going further. Below, you'll find the first page. Take a look and tell me: Would you read this? What parts (of my story) would you like to know more about? (I've enabled the comments section below.)

AND - I'm sending the first chapter to those who subscribe to my emails - so sign up if you haven't already! (That's below too)

Happy reading - 

(From my book, Divorcing Well - A Story About Relationships)

Finding Your Tribe During Divorce

Finding Your Tribe During Divorce

I woke to the familiar scratching at the door. I am lucky enough to own the world’s most amazing dog (I know your dog is cool, but sorry, mine gets the prize) – I am her person. She wants to be close to me, but sometimes she finds a closed door between her sweet self and the one she seeks.

I got up and groggily opened the door to ensure I didn’t fully awaken, it wasn’t time to get up. I value my sleep. In that blissful state between sleep and awake, I gently thought to myself, ‘she is counting on me – she’s depending on me.’ To love her, to provide for her, to care for her. Same goes for those sweet souls sleeping down the hall and the other one who is away at school. 

Divorcing Well - Check the State of Your Heart

Divorcing Well - Check the State of Your Heart

This week in our Divorcing Well group, we explored the idea of how and why we shut down our hearts. We took a challenge to review our hearts and review the places we might be shutting down. 

It is so tragic when this happens, ladies. Mostly because it keeps us from living the abundant lives we were created to live. Join our group and join the conversation today. 

Shutting Down Our Hearts

Shutting Down Our Hearts

I was in my 30’s when I began to notice. Living life going through the motions, I wasn’t feeling, couldn’t feel much of anything. Good or bad. I was hardly alive – my heart was shut down and I was a member of the walking dead. In my divorce group this week, we talked a little bit about how and why we shut down our hearts. The response was so positive, I wanted to share some things with you here as well. I challenged the group this week to look closely and see if there was any place in them that might be shut down. If you’re up for it, I’ll set the same challenge to you.

We shut down our hearts to avoid pain.

No, You’re Not Crazy… It Might Be Gaslighting

No, You’re Not Crazy… It Might Be Gaslighting

Feeling crazy in a relationship? The problem might not be you - you might be experiencing gaslighting.  Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the victim is left questioning and doubting their own feelings and sanity. Gaslighting is a power play for the perpetrator to gain control over the victim. 

I recorded a video for my Divorcing Well FB group, which you can see here.

Letting Go of Love

Letting Go of Love

It had been weeks – months even, since I had known -  since I had made the final decision in my heart and my head I guess – but I just couldn’t seem to pull the trigger.

I am highly intuitive – and, even though she wasn’t supposed to have an official opinion, I could tell my therapist’s patience was growing thin.  This was the 3rd – 4th – 5th? time we’d had the same discussion in as many weeks.

My kids, what about my kids?

I didn’t want them to be a product of divorce – this was my top priority – or maybe it was an excuse. An excuse to avoid making the hard decision – the difficult circumstance – it would take me out of my sacred avoidance cycle. The avoidance cycle that was as comfortable as my favorite pair of sweatpants.

No, You're Not Crazy

No, You're Not Crazy

Feeling crazy in a relationship? The problem might not be you - you might be experiencing gaslighting.  Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the victim is left questioning and doubting their own feelings and sanity. Gaslighting is a power play used by the perpetrator to gain control over the victim

I'm For You (The Real Love Story)

I'm For You (The Real Love Story)

It was the end of the line. She found herself in an impossible situation and everything had to change. All of it. Every single bit. Some caused by her own mistakes some by the mistakes of others but it didn’t matter because it was all impacting her; and now she was the one who had to make the tough decisions.

One -by- one her friends began to fade away, distancing themselves from a nasty situation for fear that some of her misfortune rub off.

When Love Doesn’t Look Like Love: My Choice to Stop Enabling

When Love Doesn’t Look Like Love: My Choice to Stop Enabling

I couldn’t do it anymore.

What do you want to do?

I don’t want to pick up his pieces any longer – I don’t want to continue to clean up the mess from his bad decisions. But I also don’t want to hurt him – and I know he’ll be very hurt (and angry) if I stop.

I didn’t think I should knowingly do things that would disappoint my husband, but instead go along to get along. Values that were taught in my family – they were taught in my church, taught in my community. Peacekeeping was valued over peacemaking and real, authentic relationship.

Yes, he will be hurt – and he’ll feel like you’re abandoning him.

Well, aren’t I?

Yes, you will be essentially.

But the real crime was that I abandoned myself many years prior.

Don't Be Fooled by Self-Doubt

Don't Be Fooled by Self-Doubt

How do you handle self-doubt? For some of us, it's debilitating. Doubting yourself sometimes makes you want to quit. What we believe about ourselves and the messages we allow in, are often crucial to a successful outcome in any situation. Sometimes we begin to doubt ourselves because our 'gut' is telling us one thing while the people and circumstances around us are saying something else. Sometimes, the people around us are gaslighting. 

The 5 Most Powerful Words in Any Relationship

The 5 Most Powerful Words in Any Relationship

There was a knock at the door.

 ‘Um, Sara. What is going on?’ – I am making a shift in my life and I hadn’t discussed it with him yet.  If I’m being honest, I’ve been avoiding discussing it with him. Avoiding is my thing and it’s easy to justify when you have kids and a life and a big shift that steals your attention.

My dad likes to tell me what to do and I’m not the kind of person who particularly likes being told what to do. We’re both stubborn that way. When he is unsure of the soundness of my decisions, he’s been known to invite me for a friendly lunch or dinner, ‘let’s have dinner at the club tonight…’ where half way through the meal he’ll gently mention, ‘well, you know I’m a little concerned….’  Ah, there it is…

5 Easy Steps to Looking Great All the Time (Even If You Have No Time and Not a Lot of $$)

5 Easy Steps to Looking Great All the Time (Even If You Have No Time and Not a Lot of $$)

Oh God, I hate you…

I had just stepped into our corporate conference room a few minutes early for a weekly meeting. My co-worker was looking straight at me – it was just the two of us in the room.

You look great again today – every day. Is there ever a time you don’t look this good?

10 years my junior, I like this woman a lot. She is smart and does her job well.  She’s single. Her money and her time are both her own. Mine are not. I understood what she meant.

I laughed as I took my seat at the table.

Umm – thanks, I think…

Is It Time to Chase Your Dreams?

Is It Time to Chase Your Dreams?

I found myself in a sea of silicone and tattoos.  The day was picture-perfect. I always love the intriguing nuances of South Beach where the attitudes and priorities seem so different from my own. There’s a certain freedom to it.  I love being an observer there.

I was traveling alone, something I’ve come to love.  It’s amazing what you can discover about yourself and how you fit into the world when you travel by yourself.

How I’m Taking My Power Back in 2017. And How You Can Too…

How I’m Taking My Power Back in 2017. And How You Can Too…

I don’t do resolutions.

But, it’s 2-0-1-7 and I’m taking a basic inventory. How am I feeling? About my physical and emotional health? About my relationships? About my parenting? What do I want to know and understand more clearly about myself? About the people and the world around me?

What gives me that feeling of dread? What keeps me up at night?

Am I brave enough to face these things?

I’ve noticed a pattern in my behavior recently.

The Art of Keeping up Appearances: and How I Became a Prostitute in My Own Marriage

The Art of Keeping up Appearances: and How I Became a Prostitute in My Own Marriage

“Smoke and mirrors, baby. Smmmoke and mirrors.” We were discussing the art of keeping up appearances and those who contrive to live the perfect life.

Huge houses, new cars, extravagant vacations with no real money in the bank.  Picture perfect holiday cards while chaos, abuse, and broken relationships dominate the family dynamic. Obtaining the latest gadget for the sake of acquisition without consideration of its actual need and usefulness.

Bigger, newer, faster – often digs another layer in the hole of our discontent. Because everybody knows these things can’t make you happy. Yet, we all try and see if they will.

I get it, I am that person – or I was that person. To some extent, we are all that person. 

Finding Hope in the New Year

Finding Hope in the New Year

“Go home, 2016 – you’re drunk.” I love reading The Skimm every morning. They do a great job of reporting what’s happening in the world in a relevant and entertaining way. That was a quote from a few months ago, I’ve held on to – funny, because it’s true.

What I Don’t Want to Tell You During the Holidays

What I Don’t Want to Tell You During the Holidays

The Holidays are upon us and I don’t have my sh*t together.

I’m not talking about tree trimming and gift wrapping – all of that is appropriately behind schedule, yes. It’s the bigger things – the stuff of life that makes us who we are, the stuff that shapes our stories that’s got me worried. Expectations, hopes, desires. Things that happened that I wish had not happened. Things that didn’t happen that I wish had.  The struggle to accept where I am in this beautiful thing we call life. It’s this stuff that’s got me perplexed right now.

Space to Change

Space to Change

It was a night of intimate gathering. The holidays are filled with nights of intimate gatherings. Within the span of my 90-minute appearance the group had made fun of handicapped people, questioned Obama’s birth heritage and ridiculed and minimized a community member on the autism spectrum. I stood as an outsider in the conversation, simply watching. Nervous laughter came and went as we waited for the buzz of the second, third, fourth (?) drink to kick in and take the sting off the social anxiety hovering slightly above eye level. It seems we all need a drink to take the edge off – I stopped drinking a long time ago.
 

Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone

Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone

I like to give myself adventure goals about once a year. I’m not one for resolutions necessary, but I fully support the adventure in trying new things. 

The easiest way to grow and understand yourself and others more fully is to step out of your comfort zone.  Do it differently, try something you normally wouldn’t try. It’s intimidating. You won’t do it right the first time – and you might even look like a fool. Who are we kidding, you’ll most likely look like a fool.