Divorce

Three Things the Women in Your Life Need (But Won’t Tell You)

Three Things the Women in Your Life Need (But Won’t Tell You)

Last week, I wrote about Why Your Wife is So Mad. I’ll be honest, it irritated some people (and it wasn’t your wife). It was called feminist BS, among other things. Funny, as I’ve never really considered myself a feminist necessarily. Meaning, I’m not pro-female as much as I’m pro-people and pro- healthy relationships. And pro- deal with your stuff so you can be a better human -kind of gal.  So, if that makes me a feminist bullshitter, then um, ok I guess. 

But I digress:

This is the Reason Your Wife is So Mad

This is the Reason Your Wife is So Mad

Ok guys, this one’s for you.

I get a lot of mail and comments from men who struggle in their marriages or have recently gotten divorced. These guys are looking for material, groups, and the like focusing on their needs during relational turmoil. I tell them I can’t really speak to all of that, because I’m not a guy. They express severe lack of resource, both online and in a general understanding within our population – I can’t disagree.

Universal truths about relationship are essentially gender neutral. I can see thier point. But still, I’m not a guy.

So…Let’s unpack this and get real.

Taking Your Best Steps After Divorce: An Interview with Life Coach, Suzy Garber

Taking Your Best Steps After Divorce: An Interview with Life Coach, Suzy Garber

How do you know you’re ready to date after divorce? What steps should you take to overcome fear? What can be done to prevent past mistakes and set you up for future success?  This week I sat down with certified life coach, Suzy Garber to discuss how to thrive during (and after) life’s transitions.

Life coaching can benefit many. Suzy is offering 1 free coaching sessions for any readers of Unchained who are curious about the differences life coaching can make.

How Divorce Has Made Me a Better Mom

How Divorce Has Made Me a Better Mom

Some days in life -- some moments in time are forever etched in your memory, stamped on your brain like a polaroid set there to revisit time and time again …  sometimes, those moment are centered around unique experiences and fun.  But more often than not, they come as defining moments – the ones that aren’t triggered necessarily by a joyous occasion, but instead a drop of life that hits you and changes you forever.  

Surviving the Bitterness of Divorce (Guest Post by Meghan Mercer)

Surviving the Bitterness of Divorce (Guest Post by Meghan Mercer)

There is no question that divorce is an emotional process. Sometimes it feels like your emotions can change in an instant from anger to pain to even brief moments of joy. While it is important to experience and acknowledge all of our feelings, we must remember the importance of how we choose to act based on those feelings.

I once was taught that most anger is a cover of raw pain. Think about that for a moment… Sometimes anger is easier to feel than pain. To me, anger lulls shame, invokes control, and ultimately makes me feel as if I'm coming from a place of power instead of falling victim to my circumstances and feelings.

Finding Your Tribe During Divorce

Finding Your Tribe During Divorce

I woke to the familiar scratching at the door. I am lucky enough to own the world’s most amazing dog (I know your dog is cool, but sorry, mine gets the prize) – I am her person. She wants to be close to me, but sometimes she finds a closed door between her sweet self and the one she seeks.

I got up and groggily opened the door to ensure I didn’t fully awaken, it wasn’t time to get up. I value my sleep. In that blissful state between sleep and awake, I gently thought to myself, ‘she is counting on me – she’s depending on me.’ To love her, to provide for her, to care for her. Same goes for those sweet souls sleeping down the hall and the other one who is away at school. 

Shutting Down Our Hearts

Shutting Down Our Hearts

I was in my 30’s when I began to notice. Living life going through the motions, I wasn’t feeling, couldn’t feel much of anything. Good or bad. I was hardly alive – my heart was shut down and I was a member of the walking dead. In my divorce group this week, we talked a little bit about how and why we shut down our hearts. The response was so positive, I wanted to share some things with you here as well. I challenged the group this week to look closely and see if there was any place in them that might be shut down. If you’re up for it, I’ll set the same challenge to you.

We shut down our hearts to avoid pain.

No, You’re Not Crazy… It Might Be Gaslighting

No, You’re Not Crazy… It Might Be Gaslighting

Feeling crazy in a relationship? The problem might not be you - you might be experiencing gaslighting.  Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the victim is left questioning and doubting their own feelings and sanity. Gaslighting is a power play for the perpetrator to gain control over the victim. 

I recorded a video for my Divorcing Well FB group, which you can see here.

Letting Go of Love

Letting Go of Love

It had been weeks – months even, since I had known -  since I had made the final decision in my heart and my head I guess – but I just couldn’t seem to pull the trigger.

I am highly intuitive – and, even though she wasn’t supposed to have an official opinion, I could tell my therapist’s patience was growing thin.  This was the 3rd – 4th – 5th? time we’d had the same discussion in as many weeks.

My kids, what about my kids?

I didn’t want them to be a product of divorce – this was my top priority – or maybe it was an excuse. An excuse to avoid making the hard decision – the difficult circumstance – it would take me out of my sacred avoidance cycle. The avoidance cycle that was as comfortable as my favorite pair of sweatpants.

The Art of Keeping up Appearances: and How I Became a Prostitute in My Own Marriage

The Art of Keeping up Appearances: and How I Became a Prostitute in My Own Marriage

“Smoke and mirrors, baby. Smmmoke and mirrors.” We were discussing the art of keeping up appearances and those who contrive to live the perfect life.

Huge houses, new cars, extravagant vacations with no real money in the bank.  Picture perfect holiday cards while chaos, abuse, and broken relationships dominate the family dynamic. Obtaining the latest gadget for the sake of acquisition without consideration of its actual need and usefulness.

Bigger, newer, faster – often digs another layer in the hole of our discontent. Because everybody knows these things can’t make you happy. Yet, we all try and see if they will.

I get it, I am that person – or I was that person. To some extent, we are all that person. 

An Open Letter to My Friend Considering Divorce… (Part 2)

An Open Letter to My Friend Considering Divorce… (Part 2)

I know you are worried, and I know you are scared. When we met the other day, you told me you were considering divorce - you and your spouse have fallen out of love. Yesterday, I wrote part 1 of an open letter describing my own experience of divorce and shared some insight I thought might help you. Today, I promised a deeper look at some of the specifics that often contribute to the end of partnership. I hope it helps. 

An Open Letter to My Friend Considering Divorce… (Part 1)

An Open Letter to My Friend Considering Divorce… (Part 1)

It was great seeing you last night, I love it when we get together – with our busy lives, those opportunities are few and far between. You have come to me, as many do, to ask about my divorce, to see how I’m doing. You say it is something you’re considering for yourself. You say you and your spouse have ‘fallen out of love’ and are merely co-existing.

What Makes Them Stay?

What Makes Them Stay?

She had been in a loveless marriage for years – decades maybe. If asked, she talked about it openly, and even those who didn’t know somehow knew. A mutual friend approached me, “it’s become the elephant in the room,” she said. “She can’t see how much this is impacting her.” Over the years, this relationship had stolen her joy, her beauty. It was making her bitter and angry – her sense of self was seeping out at the seams. There is nothing quite as lonely as being in a lonely marriage.
 

How Co-Parenting Makes Me a Better Mom

How Co-Parenting Makes Me a Better Mom

The three of us were just sitting there staring at each other.  An awkward silence filled the small 12x12 room. The therapist’s office – we’d been there a million times, but this time was different. This time was the beginning of the end. We had just decided – I had just told him – Divorce, I didn’t want to do this anymore – couldn’t do it anymore. He agreed, I think. It’s hard to say, we were both a little in shock.
 

Why Staying Together for the Kids Is Such a Bad Idea…

Why Staying Together for the Kids Is Such a Bad Idea…

We had tried – for three years, we tried. And it wasn’t working – nothing was working. It wasn’t like there was anything wrong with us exactly, except that everything was wrong. We were all screwed up. Royally screwed up.

And so, after three years of therapy, three years of actively working to fix our relationship, it was time to call our 15 years of matrimony quits. Time to do what needed to be done. Except for one thing, we had to tell the kids. I was terrified – I’m talking shaking, throwing up terrified.  The plan was to tell them together, neither of us blaming the other, which I’m told is the best way – but the truth is there can be no best way for something like this. It is like a horrific train wreck any way you slice it. I hope I never experience another night as terrible as the night I told my children their parents were getting a divorce.

Single Mom Walking: Strategies to Help Make it Through the Tough Days...

 Single Mom Walking:  Strategies to Help Make it Through the Tough Days...

Some days there just aren't enough coffee and concealer. Thus is the plight of the single mom. Besides employers and kids who need you – the crazy of family, bills, dogs with fleas, and just life in general is enough turn even the likes of June Cleaver into something straight out of Mommy Dearest. These are the days where, just when you think you can't possibly take on any more, someone throws up…Usually on your favorite pair of shoes. Then you get your period.