Ok guys, this one’s for you.

I get a lot of mail and comments from men who struggle in their marriages or have recently gotten divorced. These guys are looking for material, groups, and the like focusing on their needs during relational turmoil. I tell them I can’t really speak to all of that, because I’m not a guy. They express severe lack of resource, both online and in a general understanding within our population – I can’t disagree.

Universal truths about relationship are essentially gender neutral. I can see thier point. But still, I’m not a guy.

So…Let’s unpack this and get real.

How do you know you’re ready to date after divorce? What steps should you take to overcome fear? What can be done to prevent past mistakes and set you up for future success?  This week I sat down with certified life coach, Suzy Garber to discuss how to thrive during (and after) life’s transitions.

Life coaching can benefit many. Suzy is offering 1 free coaching sessions for any readers of Unchained who are curious about the differences life coaching can make.

Some days in life -- some moments in time are forever etched in your memory, stamped on your brain like a polaroid set there to revisit time and time again …  sometimes, those moment are centered around unique experiences and fun.  But more often than not, they come as defining moments – the ones that aren’t triggered necessarily by a joyous occasion, but instead a drop of life that hits you and changes you forever.  

In this week’s, Divorcing Well live video event, we talked about building your emotional toolbox and how you can increase your emotional capacity by using the right tools. Like anything else, it takes practice. I’ve found I get better at communicating and having the difficult conversations after I’ve done it a few times – which means, the only way I get better at this stuff is by d-o-i-n-g-  i-t!

Seriously, can we not talk about this? It just HARD you guys!

But – it’s come up several times in the divorce group this week, so I thought I might broach the subject during our weekly live video. It was a lot of fun I think!

Some of the questions up for grabs included…

Letters from readers, it’s one of my favorite things about this writing project - knowing that sharing a piece of my story and a bit of my heart helps others. Mostly, the comments come from people I don’t know personally, but occasionally, I get a nice note from someone in my past.

This week found such occasion, it was good to hear from an old friend.

Love and death and waiting and new life. It is the Easter season. I think a lot about these things during this time of year and as such have found myself in a state of melancholy over the past few days.

There has been death – both around me and in me. I am in a transition, another shift of my being. This fills me with excitement and a little disappointment – as I always envisioned my next new thing being dovetailed into a new relationship.

But sometimes the change that needs to happen within you comes in ways you least expect. That’s when you know you’re on to something good.

Last week we talked about the lie of control and how holding on and attempting to take over is how we push away the very thing that is meant for us.

This week, we’ll skim the surface about love and acceptance. Because, you know, I’m keeping it light.

I have always been fascinated by love. Romantic love, the love we have for our children, our pets – the things we love – the love of a higher power - all of it.

What is love?

Do you know how to stand up for yourself? When I was in the throes of therapy, I learned an important phrase – ‘say what you mean, but don’t say it mean.’ I was really bad at this – like really bad. The reason, I had no practice and not a lot of good modeling. I literally had no idea how to state my needs directly, concisely and without apology. I also didn’t have an inner belief that my needs were important.

What we believe to be true about ourselves and the world around us shapes our future. This month, I'm exploring the lies we believe: about ourselves; about others; about the world around us - and how these lies impact us and our relationships.

 My grass is dead.

The irrigation system was leaking and so I turned it off to check and see what was going on – which would have been fine, except that I forgot about it and then I was gone most of March. And so now, the grass it dead. Not that it was looking all that great before any of this happened. But I’ll tell you, it sure isn’t looking good now. I’ve decided gardening and yard work really aren’t ‘my thing.’

I’m moving and I don’t know where or when exactly.

The stress of starting a business has sparked my habit of late-night snacking. This has led to a weight gain of about 5 (10?) pounds - not enough to sink me, but enough that my shorts don’t fit quite right. I haven’t had to worry about my weight for a long time, and I’m disappointed in myself – I don’t want to fall into old patterns of self-destruction. Because as it turns out, emotional eating is ‘my thing.’

It’s hard going from being a part of a couple to being single. Even if you know it’s what’s best. Even if being uncoupled is what you want. When I got divorced, I found I’d lost myself in my marriage. This happens to many of us who were in a state of uncontrollable dysfunction. We lose ourselves for the sake of the union.

If you are in the process of getting divorced, or considering divorce, it is a very vulnerable time for you. I remember that time. I could hardly tell you what I liked and what I didn’t like. I had to find myself again.

I woke to the familiar scratching at the door. I am lucky enough to own the world’s most amazing dog (I know your dog is cool, but sorry, mine gets the prize) – I am her person. She wants to be close to me, but sometimes she finds a closed door between her sweet self and the one she seeks.

I got up and groggily opened the door to ensure I didn’t fully awaken, it wasn’t time to get up. I value my sleep. In that blissful state between sleep and awake, I gently thought to myself, ‘she is counting on me – she’s depending on me.’ To love her, to provide for her, to care for her. Same goes for those sweet souls sleeping down the hall and the other one who is away at school. 

I was in my 30’s when I began to notice. Living life going through the motions, I wasn’t feeling, couldn’t feel much of anything. Good or bad. I was hardly alive – my heart was shut down and I was a member of the walking dead. In my divorce group this week, we talked a little bit about how and why we shut down our hearts. The response was so positive, I wanted to share some things with you here as well. I challenged the group this week to look closely and see if there was any place in them that might be shut down. If you’re up for it, I’ll set the same challenge to you.

We shut down our hearts to avoid pain.

Feeling crazy in a relationship? The problem might not be you - you might be experiencing gaslighting.  Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the victim is left questioning and doubting their own feelings and sanity. Gaslighting is a power play for the perpetrator to gain control over the victim. 

I recorded a video for my Divorcing Well FB group, which you can see here.

It had been weeks – months even, since I had known -  since I had made the final decision in my heart and my head I guess – but I just couldn’t seem to pull the trigger.

I am highly intuitive – and, even though she wasn’t supposed to have an official opinion, I could tell my therapist’s patience was growing thin.  This was the 3rd – 4th – 5th? time we’d had the same discussion in as many weeks.

My kids, what about my kids?

I didn’t want them to be a product of divorce – this was my top priority – or maybe it was an excuse. An excuse to avoid making the hard decision – the difficult circumstance – it would take me out of my sacred avoidance cycle. The avoidance cycle that was as comfortable as my favorite pair of sweatpants.

It was the end of the line. She found herself in an impossible situation and everything had to change. All of it. Every single bit. Some caused by her own mistakes some by the mistakes of others but it didn’t matter because it was all impacting her; and now she was the one who had to make the tough decisions.

One -by- one her friends began to fade away, distancing themselves from a nasty situation for fear that some of her misfortune rub off.

I couldn’t do it anymore.

What do you want to do?

I don’t want to pick up his pieces any longer – I don’t want to continue to clean up the mess from his bad decisions. But I also don’t want to hurt him – and I know he’ll be very hurt (and angry) if I stop.

I didn’t think I should knowingly do things that would disappoint my husband, but instead go along to get along. Values that were taught in my family – they were taught in my church, taught in my community. Peacekeeping was valued over peacemaking and real, authentic relationship.

Yes, he will be hurt – and he’ll feel like you’re abandoning him.

Well, aren’t I?

Yes, you will be essentially.

But the real crime was that I abandoned myself many years prior.

There was a knock at the door.

 ‘Um, Sara. What is going on?’ – I am making a shift in my life and I hadn’t discussed it with him yet.  If I’m being honest, I’ve been avoiding discussing it with him. Avoiding is my thing and it’s easy to justify when you have kids and a life and a big shift that steals your attention.

My dad likes to tell me what to do and I’m not the kind of person who particularly likes being told what to do. We’re both stubborn that way. When he is unsure of the soundness of my decisions, he’s been known to invite me for a friendly lunch or dinner, ‘let’s have dinner at the club tonight…’ where half way through the meal he’ll gently mention, ‘well, you know I’m a little concerned….’  Ah, there it is…

Oh God, I hate you…

I had just stepped into our corporate conference room a few minutes early for a weekly meeting. My co-worker was looking straight at me – it was just the two of us in the room.

You look great again today – every day. Is there ever a time you don’t look this good?

10 years my junior, I like this woman a lot. She is smart and does her job well.  She’s single. Her money and her time are both her own. Mine are not. I understood what she meant.

I laughed as I took my seat at the table.

Umm – thanks, I think…