Turns Out I Was Doing Gratitude All Wrong
The difference between bypassing, performing, and actually shifting your energy.
I found these words in my archives from Thanksgiving 2016:
She was grateful for the little things. Clean water in the glass in front of her. A nice meal on the table, even if the company was less than stellar - or rather less to her liking. She found joy in the situation because she was truly grateful for the things that were within her control, or within reach of her control.
Life had been tough up until this point, tough for a while anyway, not always, but tough enough lately. She learned to face each day by simply being grateful for what was right in front of her. Gas in the tank, a roof over her head, some money in the bank, and a few souls she could count on.
In a room full of people, yet utterly alone.
That woman was me, and I was exploring the concept of how to feel grateful when things weren’t exactly going your way.
The difference between bypassing, performative gratitude, and practical gratitude
That Thanksgiving, I was at a table with my family of origin. The family dynamics that had shaped me, both with love and wounding. I was still figuring out life as a divorced woman, rebuilding my life.
Look at this and tell me we don’t have so much to be thankful for.
It wasn’t an easy table. I was healing, but I didn’t quite have all of my footing yet.
So I sat there with my glass of water and practiced something I’d learned in Al-Anon: “When you can’t change the situation, change what you’re focusing on.”
Not to bypass the pain. But to survive the moment without abandoning myself.
Here’s what I think we need to understand about gratitude:
There’s a difference between spiritual bypassing, performative gratitude, and using practical gratitude as a way to shift the energy.
Spiritual bypassing says, “Just be grateful and your problems will disappear. If you’re struggling, you’re not grateful enough.”
Performative gratitude says, “I feel bad about this, so I’ll practice gratitude. I’m grateful for the flowers and the ocean and the sky and the birds and my kids and the… insert generic list here ad nauseum…”
Practical gratitude says, “This moment is hard. I can’t control these people or this situation. But I can notice what’s true: I have clean water. I have food. I am loved (by me, by God), even if those around me can only show their love imperfectly.”
Two of those either erase or ignore your reality. The third anchors you in and allows for your truth.
I wasn’t trying to ‘grateful’ away my difficult times back then. I was finding solid ground to stand on while navigating it and learning to understand it more fully.
When Practical Gratitude Is Actually Helpful
That same year, I wrote: “I am thankful for the people I choose to share my life with, and for the people who were chosen for me.”
I was learning to be grateful for messy relationships. For the pain that comes with love. For discontent, because it meant I was growing and getting closer to the woman I wanted to be.
I’m grateful for what’s making me stronger, even when it hurts.
Not: “I should be grateful so I can stop hurting.”
But: “I’m hurting, and I’m grateful for what this pain is showing me.”
When life is hard—when you’re at a difficult table, in a painful situation—gratitude isn’t about pretending things are fine. It’s about finding focus on what is good so you can begin to point yourself in a new direction.
Sometimes that something is very small:
Clean water in your glass
Your ability to choose differently from the patterns around you
The fact that you can leave in an hour
You’re allowed to use gratitude as a tool to get through hard things without pretending those things aren’t hard.
The Misunderstanding
I think we’ve been taught two extremes:
Extreme 1: “Just be grateful! It could be worse!” (This is bypassing.)
Extreme 2: White-knuckling through gratitude because you think that’s “doing it right.” Forcing yourself to feel grateful when you’re actually just numb or angry or sad. Producing endless ‘gratitude journals’ that help you go through the motions but don’t shift your heart. (This is also bypassing; it just takes more time and energy.)
The truth is somewhere in the middle: Sometimes gratitude is a lifeline. When you’re overwhelmed, finding one small thing to appreciate can help shift your perspective and get you back on track.
But it only works if you’re also telling the truth about what’s hard.
What doesn’t work:
“I should just be grateful I have a family. Other people have it worse.”
What does work:
“This is difficult AND I’m grateful I’ve learned to take care of myself through it.”
One uses gratitude to silence oneself. The other uses it to steady oneself.
Fast Forward to Now
This Thanksgiving, Walter and I will be at our family home in North Carolina with (some of) our combined six kids and extended family. We’ll spend the day cooking together, playing games, resting, and having fun.
I’m deeply grateful for that. Not because I’m supposed to be, but because I genuinely appreciate what we’ve built—this blended family, this tradition of coming together, this choice to focus on rest and connection. The ability to let what bothers me flow right out of my awareness—mostly.
However, I also recall what it was like to sit at a table that didn’t feel very safe. To use gratitude not as a celebration, but as a survival tool.
Both experiences are valid.
The Framework I Use
When I’m in a difficult situation, I ask myself:
1. What’s actually true right now?
“This is uncomfortable. These dynamics are hard.”
2. What can I control in this moment?
Usually very little. But there’s always something: How I respond. Where I put my attention. When I leave.
3. What am I grateful for that helps me navigate this?
Not grateful FOR the hard thing, but grateful for what that hard thing is teaching me. Grateful for what helps me THROUGH it.
“I’m grateful I’ve learned to set boundaries. I’m grateful I can focus on the water in my glass when I need to ground myself.”
Permission Slips
As we head into the holidays:
You’re allowed to use gratitude as a tool without pretending everything is fine
You’re allowed to be grateful for small things when big things are hard
You’re allowed to appreciate what you have AND struggle
You’re allowed to find solid ground wherever you can
You’re allowed to have a joyful Thanksgiving if that’s where you are
Gratitude is a tool, not a performance.
Eight years later, I’m heading into a Thanksgiving that I’m genuinely excited about. But I remember what it felt like to need gratitude just to make it through the meal.
Wherever you are on that spectrum, you’re doing it right.
What kind of table are you heading to this year? The kind where you need gratitude to survive it, or the kind where you get to celebrate it? Both are valid.
LYLAS,
Sara
