Finding Healthy Love the Second Time Around
Walter and I eloped three years ago in Greece—just the two of us. Yes, it was awesome. We celebrated our anniversary last week.
I gave Walter a card that read, "Today we celebrate the best decision you've ever made." Which is true, of course, for both of us.
If you've known me for a while, you know relationships haven't always been easy for me.
When I ended my first marriage years ago, I wasn't sure I’d be willing to commit to something permanent again. I wanted to, but I wasn't sure how—or if I even could. Was I capable of having a fulfilling, emotionally healthy, drama-free romantic relationship?
More importantly:
Could I be who I truly am and still be loved?
Could I love someone with my whole heart without losing myself?
I'd read about healthy love in books but had never experienced it. I didn't know if I had what it took.
But here I am, proving to myself, and hopefully to you, that anything is possible.
I get lots of questions from newly single friends who are gun-shy about relationships after a failed attempt. I get it. It's hard to take a chance when you've already tried and it didn't work out as planned.
How did you do it? How did you find the guy? How do you know when to move forward or pull the plug? How do I know I'm not missing red flags?
All valid questions.
If you're single and looking for love later in life, or interested in rekindling what you have with your current partner, this may help.
How did you find the guy?
Honestly, I didn't. It's not about finding the guy. It's about finding yourself. That's the God's honest truth, and I cannot stress this enough.
In my former relationship, we were two halves trying to become whole at each other's expense. This time, I committed to becoming whole on my own, then bringing the new and improved Sara into a relationship. Nothing was more important.
I know this sounds trite, but I committed to becoming the kind of partner I wanted to have. I used to rush into relationships, but I learned that urgency in this area was rooted in insecurity. When our insecurities form our relationships, it doesn't work, and I wasn't willing to live like that anymore.
Essentially, I did the work. When I was ready, love found me.
I will never NOT love this picture!
How do I know I'm not missing red flags?
You can't, at least, not fully. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's true.
If you've done the work mentioned above, spotting red flags becomes easier, but you can only know what you know. You will learn with every relationship. If you're committed to becoming aware and honoring yourself, you'll trust yourself when something feels off. However, it's possible that you get into something and might realize you'd rather not be there. That's okay; hopefully, you can apply that new knowledge quickly and take it into the next relationship.
Find someone who can admit mistakes, take responsibility, and commit to growth. It's not about finding the perfect partner. There's no such thing. It's about finding someone dedicated to personal growth and to you as a partner.
The question isn't whether this person exhibits any red flags. The question is: Can this person be fully themselves and offer themselves to you in a relationship? Is the relationship safe enough to do the same with them?
How do you know when to move forward or pull the plug?
Again, don't expect perfection. No person is perfect; no relationship is perfect. I like to think mine is close, but still. Walter often says we're good together because we both have the same kind of crazy. I’m open to considering that this is true. Everyone has stuff to deal with - there are no exceptions here.
True confession: We trigger the hell out of each other sometimes, and we talk about it. All the damn time. This is normal, especially at our age and with our individual life experiences. We've both come out of bad marriages, so there's baggage. Even if you've healed much of your own pain, something that even remotely resembles the "old" relationship might set you off.
Here's what I can tell you: We choose each other every day, and we continue to do so. We know enough to know nothing is guaranteed in this life. We try not to take each other for granted.
It's not an all-knowing that everything will be okay—it's knowing that right now, this is the person and relationship I want.
If that begins to shift for whatever reason, we talk about it. That might sound simple, but this takes work. It takes the hard work of knowing how I'm feeling and being attuned to his feelings. If I sense something is off with him, I'm brave enough to ask. I say brave because, my God, what if his answer is "Yeah, this isn't working for me"? That would be a difficult conversation - one I don't want to have.
But it's necessary because neither of us wants to be in a situation where we aren't chosen and valued.
If you find someone willing to do the work and keep choosing you, you might have found a winner.
A few closing thoughts on building intimacy
Let your partner see your vulnerabilities and insecurities, then allow them to meet and exceed your expectations by not driving those pains deeper.
I experienced betrayal trauma in my childhood and my first marriage, and I have trust issues in many areas. I've found someone who knows and understands this. He's patient with me and careful about his words and actions to ensure he doesn't push me further into that pain.
Find someone who listens to and understands your needs and desires.
Walter puts his money where his mouth is—literally and figuratively. I can count on him. He knows how important this is because I haven't been a priority in many past relationships. When I tell him I have an emotional need, he figures out how to meet it.
I have a very big "I'm not important" button that reaches back to my early years. He knows this and is sensitive to things that might press that button. When he inevitably hits it, he recognizes his mistake and apologizes. In other words, he shows me every day that I'm important and teaches me to trust him. I try to do the same for him.
As long as we're both in this dynamic, I know we'll continue to choose each other until our final days on earth, and that is a very good thing.
Have you found love the second time around? Or have you experienced healthy love for many years? What are your secrets?
Feel free to share in the comments below.
